"She naturally loved solitary places, vast views, and to feel herself for ever and ever and ever alone." - Virginia Woolf (via cosmofilius)

(Source: violentwavesofemotion)


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"The Son has always been the Father’s supreme delight. Therefore, when the Father gave His Son, He gave us everything and withheld nothing." - Paul Washer (via instructmehowtothankthee)
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17 June: The Girl Browning Once Knew  Went to work at ten this morning. In about five hours, I made about twenty three dollars in tips simply due to the lack of customers we have. I think I really am going to have to find an additional job. Afterwards, I went home. In the mail I received some letters that I wrote one of my dear friends at camp. Kaitlin is one of the neatest and most fascinating and genuine girls I know. She’s also a fellow tumblr, but of course she doesn’t know I follow her. I also received a certificate notifying me that I made the Academic Honors List for the spring semester because I have a GPA at or above 3.5. I should feel excitement, eh? For such an accomplishment? But really, what is it if it doesn’t mean anything? If I feel like it’s just some earthly meaningless accomplishment-which it is. I feel like I have nothing else to show for the spring semester. It makes me sick. Of course my mom took it as me “blooming in school” and being exactly where God wants me to be. But I still don’t know. So I just kind of word vomited this poem and it’s called The Girl Browning Once Knew. (Based on the allusion to Robert Browning’s poem). I could try and explain it, but I feel as though the poem articulates the explanation more beautifully than I ever could. And I suppose that’s what poems are for.  I went to the gym and then washed and cut up produce for my mom. I had a nice talk with Bee. It always seems that when we talk and we lay down and forget about nonsense and shitty surface stuff, we deeply resonate with one another. I love her lots.

merelyamadness:

I do not remember 
the last time I saw you

how unfair it is
that we are always
so unprepared
to capture a finale

we always think
there will be
one more scene.

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I’m the girl laying next to your cold memory on the sheets
The one you fucked over
And over and over again
I pulled your hair out of the drain this morning
It was as long as the summer we spent together
Watching sunrises and inhaling salt water air
When I was home with you drowning in peace
As we tried to put the pieces of my life back together
And even though that summer lasted 249 days
It still wasn’t long enough to choke me like the girl Browning knew
So I went back to bed in the pretty lace gown
The Southern Baptist ladies brought for me to wear on my wedding night
The happiest night of my life, you see?
But when we sat across each other between tea and cake,
The one they took eighteen years to bake
With every whip, and crack of an egg, 
They beat my spirit
BANG BANG DEAD
So they dressed up my corpse in white, made me into a breathtaking bride
And laid me down in a body bag that night
With a wolf dressed in sheep skin chosen by yours truly:
The mother of the bride
At the intersection of a Tuesday morning and night
I found myself breathing and 
I let that be the last time my lipstick was smudged across my face
By a hand that supposedly fit mine
So I walked out the door
The thud of my feet hitting the solid floor 
Was the first sound I heard since being alive
And I woke up to find
That I had left you too
The cold memory I saw on the sheets was not yours
But mine
Before you could try and love me again

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"Come on make it easy, say I never mattered." - Fall Out Boy (via winterkristall)
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"People shouldn’t have to appear always, you know, stable and content, because people aren’t always stable and content. And it makes it harder, and it makes us as a majority more unstable and more discontented because we don’t have the freedom to express all of these darker sides of our emotions. Because we’re supposed to keep everything very, you know, friendly and polite and appropriate all the time. And I think that every emotion is appropriate whenever it arises." - Fiona Apple (via lailadot)

(Source: fionahaswings)


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16 June: Hushed Streets  I woke up at five this morning to be at work at six. In three hours, I had one table and made about six dollars so I got sent home early. The plus side of this whole endeavor is that I got to see the sunrise; the bad side is that I got very little sleep, so now I’m starting to get those dry patches under my eyes that come with a lack of sleep. Mom and I made it to Gateway’s service though and a ton of people in the congregation went before the altar to make some sort of commitment. It was so powerful. Afterwards, we got EatZi’s and Sweet Frog fro yo then I spent the rest of the day napping and watching Law and Order. I called my grandpa today to wish him a Happy Father’s Day, and I started crying with him on the phone. I think I’ve just really been thinking about his discouraging response and the lack of support, and more than that but all of his doubt in me lately and it just got to me. He also asked how work was going, and so I told him things were just going really slow. He advised that I get a more stable and secure job. To be honest, I was already thinking about getting another part time job anyways, but just to think that that is all he wants for me: financial security; stability; is disheartening. I want so much more than that. So much more. And I thought he would feel the same way. I can’t even begin to articulate how upset that made me, and it wouldn’t even make sense to be honest. After that conversation, I was upset and crying, so I decided to go to the gym and blow off steam. I was sitting at a red light, waiting to turn left and a car with the light perpendicular to mine, ran his red light. And I sat there looking at the red light he ran, thinking about how people in this area run a lot of red lights because they do. ( I think I’ve seen at least two or three in the month that I’ve been here.) And their light turned green. For some reason, I thought their light was mine, so I ran it and got many honks and glares. I didn’t mean to, it just happened and I wasn’t anywhere in my body at that moment. For the past few months, I’ve been imagining myself getting in these horrific car wrecks when I go through an intersection. It just happens and it feels so real everytime I do. And everytime it happens, I die in the wreck. It was almost as if my dreams were coming true. 
"The scene before her flattened, lost one of its dimensions, and the noise dribbled irrelevantly down its face. Something was coming. This moment, this very experience of it, seemed only the thinnest gauze. She sat in the audience thinking—someone here has cancer, someone has a broken heart, someone’s soul is lost, someone feels naked and foreign, thinks they once knew the way but can’t remember the way, feels stripped of armor and alone, there are people in this audience with broken bones, others whose bones will break sooner or later, people who’ve ruined their health, worshiped their own lives, spat on their dreams, turned their backs on their true beliefs, yes, yes, and all will be saved. All will be saved. All will be saved." - Denis Johnson — from Tree of Smoke (via slothnorentropy)
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